It`s a Sunshine Day... Or is it ?

Hello everyone first I would like to extend my gratitude to all who are following this blog. I know that it has been some time since my last posting .But in the words of my grandmother ... "speak when spoken to". God is speaking and I am sharing.  Today  I would like to discuss the topic of forgetting what is behind and moving toward what lies ahead.
Philippians 3:13-14 which states.


 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,  I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Anyone who remotely knows me can attest to the fact that my middle name could well be Nostalgia instead of Jean. I take so many roads down memory lane, I may need to pay for those same roads to be repaved. The 80`s were my all time favorite... Pop rock candy, Saturday Morning cartoons, Soul Train, New York winters Big Wheels, Cabbage Patch dolls, jelly sandals, block parties,, Easy Bake Ovens, Army Men, Racing Track sets, water balloon fights via the roof.  Oh and we dare not forget some of the games we played almost on a daily basis like hot peas and butter , red rover, steal the old mans bacon, other may I and dodge ball  just to name a few.

The very word nostalgia means a return to or longing for something far away or in the past. As I read the scripture, perused through the dictionary and then examined myself I came to find that sometimes those trips can turn into vacations. Many including myself have been stifled by what may have been,...If I would have married so and so, taken that job out of town, stayed home that night, not drank so much or just listened to my elders things just may have turned out differently.

Although I moved to San Diego in 1990, my heart was still unsettled with longings of yester year in Brooklyn. Had I  grown ?... physically , mentally and spiritually yes . But concerning the emotional part ... not so much, I would say things like if bread was still 75 cents life would be good, If I did`nt have to pay rent , I could shop more. If I didn`t have to work , I could hang out with my friends who didn`t work, but always seemed to have money and new clothes.

I was stuck in a rut, plagued by fear ; not of failure because I had mastered that, but  of success , accountability and the hardest of them all.., the fear of growing up. Letting go and holding on is no more possible than being a Blood and a Crip, Vegan and Carnivore or Democrat and Republican. We must choose
 because one will ultimately suffer.

Of course I could have handled things differently, but we all know that God alone has to take over , and as we submit to Him and his purpose even our past can not stop us from walking in our right now. Had it not been for his mercy, for the prayers of righteous and the spirit of resiliency, I would have checked out sometime ago.

I grew up watching the Brady Bunch , so much that I had dreams of grandeur to one day star on the show as an adopted child... don`t judge me .. you wanted crazy stuff when you were a kid  :).
One of my favorite episodes was when they were on the talent shown singing Sunshine Day... The lyrics still ring in my head like it was the late 70`s all over again

I thin I`ll go for a walk outside now
The summer suns calling my name
I hear you now
I just can`t stay inside all day
I gotta get out get some of those rays
Everybody`s smiling
Sunshine Day
Everybody`s laughing
Everybody seems so happy today
It`s a Sunshine Day

NOT.. I wished it was that way,.. How could they be so chipper and I was so jacked up ? Well  that`s when I began to realize what was reality and what was entertainment, I know you may say duh... it`s television , but truth be told we many if not all of us at one time or another fantasized about a singer, athlete, politician or person of importance to come to our house for dinner. Holding onto fantasies, pipe dreams and most get rich quick schemes are like trying to tell a football team that they can only eat salad at Hometown Buffet... unrealistic and you may get trampled in the process.

My past was filled with lies concerning my worth, beauty and intelligence. Unsuspecting at one time but later just a willing participate due to lack of knowledge and the fear that someone would find out out that I was not as strong as I had allowed others to label me. I suffered with and through depression, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, over indulging in shopping . I too became critical and judgmental, isolated and even self righteous at times.

It was revealed to me that the reason I love cartoons, coloring books , puzzles, reading books and board games as an adult was due to the fact that even as a child I was forced to grow up faster than my mind or emotions were capable of. I  love to learn and am very competitive .. just ask my husband or 15 other Words with Friends compadres. Everyone needs to look at the past and be grateful , but looking and focusing are two different things.

How could this be... a person who possessed a smile that could light a room was yet residing in darkness ?, the one who made others laugh at the drop of a dime , was crying because she was financially struggling.The woman who interceded and believed for the crackhead as well as the church goer... she was now doubting that she was "good or holy enough" for God to answer her very own requests? Please do not misunderstand even through this Jesus sent people to me to bless me with monetary gifts, rides to and from church, a listening ear and words of encouragement. I just could not dig myself out of this hole that I had created. I was so stuck on the former that I would self sabotage my present friendships, relationships and encounters because I was scared that if someone knew half of my past they would not except me for being the rock that I so often portrayed.

So I am instructed to submit to God, resist the Devil and pull myself up by the bootstraps and forge ahead. My body was suffering, my thought patterns were destructive and I suddenly realized that my heart had not been healed, not so much from what people did but because I condemned myself for allowing them. Some things were definitely not my fault, but others I contributed to just because it was comfortable. I sadly found comfort in not confronting issues, comfort in being mediocre ,so much so that yes was never heard because I was used to hearing no ,  comfort in just taking what others dished out even when I knew it was a lie . I faced life with trepidation , was super spiritual but not balanced in every day issues. I would pray and pray and pray but not move . or would move and pray that it all worked out somehow.

My hearts desire is to be all that God has designed and destined for me. I want to be the best mom to my children and understand that I too am still learning, I really want to be the best wife to my husband but grow and know my role as a spouse, I want to be a good friend and confidant regardless to how others respond to me.. But all these desires must stem from the notion of knowing that I am important whether I never have another child,  lost all of my possessions, was excommunicated from church folks, did not get married or ever preached in a pulpit .

So Today I am making a heartfelt decision to no longer allow the past to dictate my life. All of my memories were not bad I am wise enough now to know which events I need to recycle and which ones I need to trash in a receptacle.

I have been blessed so much , I often teases that I have to repent for being jealous of myself. I said that not to be boastful, but to show how you can have the heart, favor , provision and promises of God and still get stuck in your past.

Forgetting ; just like remembering is a choice.Though it may be rough at times it is not impossible. We can hold on to anger, pride or shame with a Kung Fu grip or Beat them down with truths from the Bible like Rock em Sock em robots... The choice is ours.

I would like to leave you with this thought...

 One can chose to walk across a bridge backwards
 But will inevitably enjoy the view and reach their destination
 By placing one foot in front of the other.


Hidden In Him
Pretina J. Lowery